holá and make this a good evening

Lord, I need new clothes and inspiration. More shallow text today than usual, but I just feel like I need a pick-up and a new way of going about my life; a new outlook, appearance, or insight on life. New pants, some more exercise, new hair and boom, I'd be a new person. Or I would at least have the credentials for looking like a new person, thus I could be a bit more excited about how I looked.

G'nite, Moscow calling.

T O N I G H T

i like the rain
i'd love it if i had nothing to hide
tell me it's all ok
that we'll both be ok
this is my solemn plea
forever is but a time frame
built to induce hope and
make you m i s s me

raavi nahkani alta

I could say "make me bleed", but
I'd rather you do it voluntarily.
Bruise me,
scratch me,
bite me,
Words aren't necessary,
slash me open inside
and I'm happy again
All bled out,
I have no energy to resist,
So I smile.
I'll get you next time, I think,
as I rest my head on your chest.
I never knew the glory of pain,
for I am inglorious

i'm not what, i'm not what

Everybody's splitting up, and it makes me wonder. This time has usually been reserved for cuddling in coffeeshops, kissing in the snowy weather and being overjoyed at the easy passage to salvation from the cold in the form of a bed or on a couch. This autumn/winter is an anomaly in the history of the need to nest, the need to love and be held.

I'm trying my best, personally, to enjoy being romantically alone. I'm finding it increasingly difficult as the weather gets colder, but Schadenfreude is a friend and I take comfort in the fact that most of the population of my generation is, like me, alone. I do prefer to disengage myself from romantic relationships (ie. relationshit) as much as possible, because when it gets hard, I actually enjoy it. This scares me about myself. I need EMA = Emotional Masochists Anonymous.

I guess it's better than living in a fairytale. I don't expect a castle in the sky, and lord knows I'd never stay in one for too long. All I ask for is for people to be genuine.

ps. Don't tell me I'm ugly, you know who you are. I'm too much of a bitch to take that lying down if it happens again.

pps. Excuse the aggression. I fucked up a test today, therefore it is justified.

inspiration, come please

At least I have Rammstein's new album but it doesn't make my words flow like something should all the time. I dunno if I feel great about this whole girl issue I mentioned earlier, her reaction to my contact wasn't really in any direction and I mean, I just don't know how to think of it or what to make of it. I guess it could've been worse. Meh, fuck my love life, I have my friends. They're more than enough, and girls just drive me crazy enough as it is.

Romantic love is like coming with a knife inside you, it's painful but you gotta focus on something more intense than that.


"Ich tu dir Weh
Tut mir nicht Leid
Das tut dir gut
Hört wie es schreit"

"I hurt you
I'm not sorry
It's good for you
To hear how it screams"

jeder Stein ist eine Träne

STEIN UM STEIN MAUER ICH DICH EIN.

Ok, so today was my birthday and what did I do? I got drunk at 18.00.
Not bad, but it's Sunday. I feel like a bit of a bastard rebel piece of rebel shit. But it was awesome.

Now, shower + Tegan & Sara and sleep ------->

Night, ladies.

C158H251N39O46S

Ohmylord, I almost came during the piercing process, I swear. At first, the clamp hurt. Then the needle hurt; the pain spread to my whole torso and my eyes went white and I was shaking, sweating and my heart was racing. Then it was done and I looked down at a few droplets of blood sliding down my stomach. That was it, times two of course.

The 2mm-needle looked like a death sentence (Motherfucking huge to think of sticking through you, I'll tell you that.), but once I got over that and went with it, it was amazing. Painful, pushing my boundaries and bloody, yeah, but the sheer adrenaline rush was orgasmic.

They're beautiful.