holá and make this a good evening

Lord, I need new clothes and inspiration. More shallow text today than usual, but I just feel like I need a pick-up and a new way of going about my life; a new outlook, appearance, or insight on life. New pants, some more exercise, new hair and boom, I'd be a new person. Or I would at least have the credentials for looking like a new person, thus I could be a bit more excited about how I looked.

G'nite, Moscow calling.

T O N I G H T

i like the rain
i'd love it if i had nothing to hide
tell me it's all ok
that we'll both be ok
this is my solemn plea
forever is but a time frame
built to induce hope and
make you m i s s me

raavi nahkani alta

I could say "make me bleed", but
I'd rather you do it voluntarily.
Bruise me,
scratch me,
bite me,
Words aren't necessary,
slash me open inside
and I'm happy again
All bled out,
I have no energy to resist,
So I smile.
I'll get you next time, I think,
as I rest my head on your chest.
I never knew the glory of pain,
for I am inglorious

i'm not what, i'm not what

Everybody's splitting up, and it makes me wonder. This time has usually been reserved for cuddling in coffeeshops, kissing in the snowy weather and being overjoyed at the easy passage to salvation from the cold in the form of a bed or on a couch. This autumn/winter is an anomaly in the history of the need to nest, the need to love and be held.

I'm trying my best, personally, to enjoy being romantically alone. I'm finding it increasingly difficult as the weather gets colder, but Schadenfreude is a friend and I take comfort in the fact that most of the population of my generation is, like me, alone. I do prefer to disengage myself from romantic relationships (ie. relationshit) as much as possible, because when it gets hard, I actually enjoy it. This scares me about myself. I need EMA = Emotional Masochists Anonymous.

I guess it's better than living in a fairytale. I don't expect a castle in the sky, and lord knows I'd never stay in one for too long. All I ask for is for people to be genuine.

ps. Don't tell me I'm ugly, you know who you are. I'm too much of a bitch to take that lying down if it happens again.

pps. Excuse the aggression. I fucked up a test today, therefore it is justified.

inspiration, come please

At least I have Rammstein's new album but it doesn't make my words flow like something should all the time. I dunno if I feel great about this whole girl issue I mentioned earlier, her reaction to my contact wasn't really in any direction and I mean, I just don't know how to think of it or what to make of it. I guess it could've been worse. Meh, fuck my love life, I have my friends. They're more than enough, and girls just drive me crazy enough as it is.

Romantic love is like coming with a knife inside you, it's painful but you gotta focus on something more intense than that.


"Ich tu dir Weh
Tut mir nicht Leid
Das tut dir gut
Hört wie es schreit"

"I hurt you
I'm not sorry
It's good for you
To hear how it screams"

jeder Stein ist eine Träne

STEIN UM STEIN MAUER ICH DICH EIN.

Ok, so today was my birthday and what did I do? I got drunk at 18.00.
Not bad, but it's Sunday. I feel like a bit of a bastard rebel piece of rebel shit. But it was awesome.

Now, shower + Tegan & Sara and sleep ------->

Night, ladies.

C158H251N39O46S

Ohmylord, I almost came during the piercing process, I swear. At first, the clamp hurt. Then the needle hurt; the pain spread to my whole torso and my eyes went white and I was shaking, sweating and my heart was racing. Then it was done and I looked down at a few droplets of blood sliding down my stomach. That was it, times two of course.

The 2mm-needle looked like a death sentence (Motherfucking huge to think of sticking through you, I'll tell you that.), but once I got over that and went with it, it was amazing. Painful, pushing my boundaries and bloody, yeah, but the sheer adrenaline rush was orgasmic.

They're beautiful.

inside my heart

Wow. Too fucking much, just too much for one night, I swear to God.
My parents confronted me in a positive way about everything that's been going on with me and I just finished crying for 2 hours. I hope I'm done. I'm still in shock. I'm in a state of mind like a painful orgasm; you don't know whether to focus on the intense release or the feeling of nagging pain.

But, that's all for now: Esthero - I Drive Alone.

Happy thoughts.

Good evening-g-g.

Life is being made very hard by school; I'm socially dead. I had bad cider today, just awful, and I'd love to sleep right now but my feet are cold so I can't and just, fuck -- fuck. I don't even know what to say anymore.

I like someone. Or not like, exactly, it's more like I'm intrigued by someone and I want to get to know them but uwyagshgfvjwf, I'm seriously the person with the smallest balls in the world and I'd never get the guts to talk to her at all, ever, about anything. I'd love to say I will, and I do want to. Goddammit, do I want to.

Resolution for the next undetermined amount of time: get the girl.

Over and out.

superheroes

And the way I saw you, saw your skin and the way you moved.

Silky, smooth, soft, susceptible.

This atrocity we created in my dwelling, white shirts like flags on bedposts and trousers on the floor like masks we shed to see your insides; our goal and destination.

Your bones jutted out like the corners of that wooden chest in our living room, and I could tell you hadn’t been eating. You smiled, I couldn’t believe it, like you were proud.

You've always scared me, you’re like a spectre resonating from one dimension of my senses to the other, a beautiful wanton creature.

Dear. Lord.

Thank you and godspeed to the asshole that stole my tote bag, effectively getting rid of half my books from my use and my P.E. clothes. You must be either mind-numbingly stupid or just a sadist. Honestly, return it. Please and thank you, again.

Bastard.

Top o' the mornin', laddies.

I've decided to merge into my alter-ego, Sergei the Russian exotic dancer. Or more to the point, recent events, like my friend juggling wearing the Sergei furry hat, lead me to think of him more. It's cold as fuck here, and I'm just trying to go to school when I should because honestly, I couldn't be bothered.

Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

afterglow

Momentary lapse into this, I swear I didn’t mean to.
As your hand slid out of mine, omnipotence clicked its stopwatch to a painful start, click.
Looking forward to this, we are, as a slaughterer waits for Mondays to skin something alive.
It’s days from hell, days when all you’d love to do is stop and scream, days when nothing matters but the blunt fingernails pressing curves into your back, or was it a dream?

But every morning, the faint red breaths of texture marring your skin strike you like Ali with the truth. But occasional occurrence makes it all okay, right?

Baby, does it make you sense the existence of and writhe due to a scent perhaps similar to matches or tar, how you reek of deception?
You’re transparent as a bulimic’s skin, and your defenses fall apart like paper succumbing to a flame. Click.